[ENGLAND]
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I’ll apologise in advance for how long this post is. There is A LOT of shit to unpack in this one.
I'm posting on behalf of my girlfriend, who doesn't use reddit.
For a start, this situation involves two workplaces (only one of which we’re hoping to pursue legal action against). For ease I’ll quickly designate them here: Job *A* was her job before COVID hit. It was a simple food service job for a national chain. Job *B* is a small independent hospitality business in the centre of the city we live in.
When COVID hit, she was furloughed from Job *A*. At this time, she was recommended for Job *B* by a friend of hers who worked there but was leaving to train as a teacher. Job *B* offered to employ her part-time on top of her furlough from Job *A*. When the initial lockdowns ended, she went back to work at Job *A* on reduced hours, and Job *B* continued to employ her flexibly around these hours.
For the first couple of weeks, things were fine. After a while, Job *B* began to call and text her constantly while she was working at Job *A*, and proceeded to get very shirty with her when she didn’t reply, despite her making her rota at Job *A* very clear on multiple occasions. Eventually Job *B* began to consume what little personal time she had and so she left Job *A* and pursued Job *B* as a full time employee. She was offered better pay per hour and similar contracted hours, so it seemed like a no-brainer. At this point it is worth mentioning that she is the primary breadwinner in our house as I am currently pursuing freelance work, so she has been kind enough to support us from her own income, hence why she went for the better pay. Sadly, this is where it all went to shit.
A key role of Job *B* was contacting guests by phone. Despite being a small firm, the company gave both other employees that were required to do this their own work phones, but after multiple requests they still refused to give her one, meaning she was having to give her personal number to total strangers, many of whom were known to be unsavoury types (drug dealers, pimps and older men who made her feel very uncomfortable on multiple occasions). She was constantly talked down to and many simple concepts were mansplained to her in a very patronising way. I remember one of her first comments about the company was that they treated her like she was an idiot.
When she first joined the company, they didn’t give her any kind of contract. It took the best part of a month for them to give her one which was, frankly, a joke. It contained the bare minimum description of her expected working hours, and very little else. Not even a job description. Obviously she rejected this contract, but they have never provided a revised one. To this day, she has still not actually signed a contract with them, and whenever she mentions it she is told that they'll 'get round to it'. We're still waiting.
We live in the centre of the city, making her the closest one to their properties of all the employees at the company. Therefore, whenever a guest decides to check-in or book late at night or an issue occurs requiring a member of staff to address the situation in person, she is always the first one called and is consistently guilted into doing it by coworkers who have children and families, or are simply too lazy to get a taxi. She was never compensated for working this late at night, and was never designated as being ‘on call’. It was non-stop. There was also a lack of safeguarding around this, as she is rather petite and often had to walk around the city alone late at night in a city that has a rather rough reputation, which is obviously dangerous (it shouldn’t be, but that’s a discussion for another time). Fortunately, since I was free the majority of the time I was able to go with her, but there was absolutely no consideration on the company’s part of the potential risk she was taking. When mentioned, no action was taken and she was basically told to suck it up. Things she got called out for at stupid times of night include: a bloke who dropped his keys down the lift shaft at 11pm, woke her up after a 10 hour shift, and proceeded to shout at her as if it was her fault; a family who were booked into an apartment that didn’t have enough beds for them (which is absolutely not her responsibility), which was somehow made her fault by her bosses who said she ‘should’ve checked’, when there’s absolutely no reason she would have to check those kind of things as their booking system is supposed to prevent that from happening; fire alarms going off (which she was told to simply silence, and we’re unsure what other measures were taken after this); and countless amounts of other bullshit.
This all goes to show the constant mismanagement and blame-shifting that she was forced to deal with daily. Even when she wasn’t on duty, her phone was constantly going off with ridiculous amounts of stupid stuff to deal with, which should have not been her responsibility, including things like organising housekeeping and cleaning, which is supposed to be done by the head housekeeper, but instead was dropped onto my girlfriend instead. One day, she received 6 missed calls from an unknown number while she was in the shower. She was reprimanded for not dealing with this despite literally performing essential bodily functions. When she complained about this fact, she was told ‘That’s hospitality for you’. It hit a point where she has to put her phone on airplane mode just to go to the toilet out of fear of being reprimanded for not answering a call.
After this, another member of staff joined who proceeded to cause EVEN MORE problems. He was employed to the same position, on a contract with a few more hours (he had children to support, so it made sense for him to have a few more hours), who proceeded to instantly act as if he was her superior despite no reason to think that. He was a generally disgusting guy, leaving food wrappers all over their shared desk, making sexist comments about guests and coworkers, taking money from the company’s safe without consulting anyone (shifty), going AWOL for hours at a time, bringing in clients who were known drug dealers, and generally had a rather aggressive tone for no reason at all. He treated her with little to no respect, and constantly lorded his prior experience in the field over her (despite, as it turned out, having been fired from his previous job, not quitting as he told everyone), and consistently offloaded his work to her as well. When she called him out on this, he was very quick to anger, very intimidating and aggressive. As I said before, she’s very small and this fella is quite big. He knew he could intimidate her and he definitely used it.
Things culminated with Asshole McFuckFace when, after an 8-day week, she took a day off for our anniversary. The night before, she’d put a message in their group chat reminding people to put lids back on pens so that they didn’t dry out (following a team meeting where they discussed avoiding unnecessary costs and the ways that the pennies add up to the pounds. Stuff like constantly replacing pens, for example). I feel like I need to make it abundantly clear that the following occurrences happened over PENS. He called her and the tone was immediately aggressive, accusing her of mentioning the pens because she apparently knew it was him, despite the pen itself being left on a shared desk and is an object that everyone uses, and was an attack on him in order to gain favour with the directors of the company. When in reality, she was just trying to reiterate the points made earlier in the team meeting. This phone conversation spiralled and she mentioned other menial things that bugged her in the office, such as litter and him passing off tasks to her. Then he became so aggressive and verbally abusive towards her and made her cry - she’s made of pretty tough stuff and can take a lot, it was disgusting the way he spoke to her. The worst part was that he had initially called her to apologise about the way he spoke to her the day before, then questioned her motive about the pen post and everything blew up. She obviously called her boss, sobbing, and explained the situation and divulged the contains of the phone call. She was so scared of getting details wrong and making her co-worker even more angry that she made a bloody itemised list before calling her employer. Her boss shrugged it off and (paraphrased) told her to grow up and sort it out. He also told her he wasn’t going to pick favourites between them and so wasn’t going to reprimand the co-worker and didn’t want to hear about this “spat” again. In order to play nice, my girlfriend had to grovel to her co-worker and APOLOGISE just to feel safe in her workplace. He still hasn’t apologised to her for ruining our anniversary or the way he spoke to her. This guy is now the golden boy at the company and can do no wrong. He refuses to clean their apartments and is never made to, whereas she will often be made to compensate for cleaners not doing their jobs properly, including one occasion where she had to meet a guest on the other side of town at 7am, and arrived to find that the beds hadn’t been made 10 minutes before the guest arrived. He lost a £1000+ booking because he refused to clean an apartment that the guests were supposed to check into, and aside from a little disappointment, nothing ever came of it. He is supposed to work 40 hours a week, but has been bragging to other employees about the fact that he gets away with doing barely anything. They’ve been tracking his hours and he is working far less than my girlfriend is, despite the fact that she is contracted for less hours than he is. Again, when this is brought up he gets extremely aggressive. He refuses to communicate with the group, causing many administrative issues (double-bookings, apartments not being prepped, etc) and yet is never made to compensate. Once again, that is forced onto my girlfriend to fix, else she gets reprimanded. He frequently forgets to take deposits despite it being common practice (and a critical part of the business) and when their apartments get damaged, you can bet your ass he isn’t the one who’s made to hassle the guests for money. The sexism here is blatant and disgusting.
On top of all of this, she has been consistently going above and beyond her job roles for the company, including spending hours making promotional videos (including learning video editing from scratch in order to do so, because the company is too cheap to just hire someone to do it), without a single word of thanks. She has never had a single positive comment on this kind of work, but they are incredibly quick to highlight tiny flaws and mistakes and make a huge deal out of them.
The job has been slowly chipping away at her mental health, and she is also fighting a chronic illness that affects her every day. She has made them aware of this, and they have totally brushed it off.
Now onto the tipping point:
The city we are living in has been sent back into the highest tier of local lockdowns in the UK, and she was told that the company would be furloughing staff again. Before checking that they had secured the government support for the furlough scheme, her bosses assured her that her job was safe and that she would be furloughed for 67% of her wage as is government policy. We found out this morning that they straight up lied to her and that she was, in fact, being let go from the company in two weeks. Once again, we live on her pay checks. Given the situation, it is unlikely we will be able to find work anywhere else, so we probably won’t be able to stay in our flat any more. We’ll most likely have to move back in with our parents for a while. There was little to no sympathy from her bosses over this, and they ended up working her to the bone today. She worked 11 hours putting out fires all over the town, and had to deal with even more bullshit than usual this evening. A guest requested a particular item. She called her boss to ask if he knew where it was, to which he replied “it’s your job to know this. Don’t ask me, why would I know?” (It’s not like it’s his company or anything right?) and left her to struggle with no assistance at all. After this 11 hour day, all she got was a shitty message regarding the fact that she hadn’t sent the end-of-day handover information, despite the fact that she was still on the other side of town dealing with the flood of bullshit at the time this was due. When she explained this she was ignored. She didn’t get a single break today, to the point that (and I apologise if this is TMI) didn’t even have a chance to change her period pad until 10pm, when she got home. This also follows 8 days back-to-back because her coworker took an unapproved holiday (which the bosses easily could have stopped, but didn’t because he’s the golden boy and can get away with anything), in which she hasn’t even been able to shower because she’s been working such long hours. She’s clocked 48 hours this week and still has to work tomorrow too.
Hopefully this (very long) post has made the extent of the disrespect and mistreatment she’s received clear enough. Any legal action we can take would be appreciated. We don’t necessarily seek to make money out of this or anything, but we both genuinely believe the owners shouldn’t be allowed to run a business like this and some action needs to be taken about it. What are our options?
If any clarifications are needed, I can answer questions and provide more info

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This is a new post after some interest in a comment why I believed the S&P is going to 1700.
Update 3: I am going to limit my answers in the comments guys; as the post becomes more popular it is becoming more diluted with snark etc. I don't expect anyone to follow my opinions; I just want to share one aspect of why I am making the trades I am. I maybe wrong. Random walk and all that..
Original Disclaimer: This is based on historical precedence and we are in unprecedented times but, with history as our guide a strong argument can be made for the S&P to decline to a level that is currently inconceivable. I have disclosed all my positions near the bottom.
Update 1: Slightly long; happy to be challenged in the comments, it is late in the UK (2am) so may tidy it up and add more references and charts tomorrow. Update 2: Have expanded the post to answer as many comments and requests for references wherever possible and tagged in the requestors.

Intro: Are we in a recession?

If you believe so, or that we are heading into a recession then there are four things needed to support a genuine rally out of a recession
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• Fiscal policy
• Monetary policy
• Improving economic health indicators
• Accurate pricing reflecting the end of the recession and tempered optimism

We are missing 2 out of those 4 criteria; the overwhelming monetary and fiscal policy (world-records) are compensating for lack of positive indicators and volatile and bullish pricing.

What do you mean by pricing?

It can be argued that the current price of stocks is not discounting for the acute and likely chronic harm to consumer sentiment and spending power. For example; the UK clothing retailer Next Group closed their bricks and mortar stores (share price increased 4%) then they cancelled all online shopping (share price increased 3%) and finally they cancelled all orders with their supply chain (shares leapt 12.8% during the rally.) There is the massive amount of second, third and fourth order effects that this one company does to the UK economy (and Turkish factories). Suppliers, shipping, design, marketing etc all cancelled and the staff furloughed.
This is one example but the indexes are currently full of similar examples and some analysts are ringing the alarm bells.
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Lazard Asset Management are concerned that the pandemic “will persist longer than many investors suspect and that the economic damage will be deeper and potentially longer-lasting”.

Reddit is quick to mention that stonks only go up but there is some truth to that sentiment at present since any negative factors are dismissed as being priced in and all positive factors are heralded as a cause for stocks to rally. If priced in was accurate then we would not see record-beating market rallies back to back. 10% volatility swings over 48 hours is the very definition of not priced in.
There is evidence to suggest that, well, the bullish sentiment is wrong and mainly because it is retail investors being taken for a ride whilst funds re-balance and offload.
Retail traders "buying the dips" is normally a contrarian signal, meaning that it's time to sell. This section is for u/lntoIerant in response to a comment.

Edit to answer some comments about this portion thus far.

Do retail investors move the market?

• No, they act as a sentiment indicator that the market is reaching a peak absurdity. Similar sentiments have preceded major recessions in the past. When you hear a layman offering stock tips or googling how to buy stocks then we are reaching the precipice of a depression. new market entrants are not the same as traditional retail investors.

Are retail investors buying in greater volumes?

• That is hard to say because the majority of retail trades are done off-book. The trades are mixed in with portfolio moves or using the retail service which is a dark pool.

Are retail investors dumb money?

• Well, no. Kind of. It depends. This white paper indicates that retail investors are more knowledgeable, more profitable and better informed than previously thought. However, a lot of their trades, as mentioned above, are done off-book as part of a larger portfolio and they simply lose a fraction of a basis point because market timing is not that critical.

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What does this have to do with the S&P dividend and the EPS?

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Major indexes are comprised of stocks that pay handsome dividends; normally 2% yield a year. The companies have reached their limit of growth (HSBC haven't discovered 5 million new customers and Shell are not finding new fossil fuels) so investors hold the stock for income-seeking reasons.
The FTSE 100 was priced in to generate £89 billion in dividends for 2019 and £90 billion+ in 2020. That has largely collapsed.
The only companies that pay dividends are those taking on debt to do so like Shell. And they have; a 10Bn credit line to maintain dividends. The Bank of Englandhad to slap 5 UK banks from issuing dividends at this time. That means that their primary valuations as income-generating stocks are questionable...
...especially since the dividends are not expected to return to the 2020 levels for another 10 years now. Edit to add: This portion is taken from the market report by BNY Mellon. You can see the chart here. The analyst is John Velis of BNY. Thanks to u/flash_aaaah_ahhhhh for prompting me.
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“By 2021, the market expects dividends per share for the S&P 500 to be down to under $38 per share (a staggering 41 per cent drop from recent highs of approximately $63 per share) and then to start slowly rising again. Going out 10 years to 2030, the expectation is that dividends will just about recover to pre-Covid-19 levels.”

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Main body: Onto the S&P

In 2021 the market expects the dividends per share for the S&P to be reduced to $38 per share. That is priced in and common knowledge.
That is a 41% drop from the recent highs of $63 a share and seems alarming for income seeking investors since we are not expected to recover to those prices for 8-10 years. Source.
But DataTrek have noted that we are still currently trading at 21X the trailing 10 year earnings of $122 a share.
Dividends per share normally don't fall as far as earnings per share. But they are inverted at present.
For the S&P to be trading at 2,650 level (or even higher) it means the market does not believe the pandemic or recession will have any long-term damage. That puts us squarely at odds with items 3 and 4 in our list of factors needed to exit a bear market.

Talk to me about 2008!

Thanks to u/mister_woody for asking for more data.
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• S&P 500 high: 1565.15, Oct. 9, 2007
• Low: 682.55, March 5, 2009
• S&P 500 loss: 56.4 percent
• Duration: 17 monthts
• EPS decline: 86 to 7
• Dividend decline: 26-28 down to 22-24

In other recessions, including 2008, the dividend price per share drops approximately 12-15% but the earnings per share drop by considerably more; as much as 85%.
That means that in 2008 financial crisis and subsequent bear market; the dividends per share dropped by a lower percentage amount than the total index value drop.
You can see that in this chart here.
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• The market drop was approximately 56% and the Dividend drop was 14%
• The market drop was 56% and the earnings drop was 85%

Right now, we have the reverse. Dividend share drop in this market is 41% (which is chilling) and market drop was approximately only 30% and rallying heavily back to the mid-20's only. That makes no financial sense unless the assets were being propped up by buyers...
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• S&P ATH: 3386 to 2488 on April 4th (26.5% drop)
• S&P ATH Dividend: From $63 expected to $38 (a 41% drop)
• S&P ATH EPS:

If the S&P follows the same playbook at 2008-9, then we would expect to see levels of around 1400 at the bottom but that seems extremely bearish expecting that this crisis is worse than 2008.
If previous indications hold true, then we would expect the S&P to drop by approximately 50-60%ish at the true bottom to reflect the 41% decrease in expected shares plus additional discounts and negative market sentiment.
In reality, we are probably likely to pull back to between 13X and 15X trailing average which puts the S&P between 1600 (low side) and 1800 (high side).
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You are putting a lot of faith in a re-run of the 2008 crisis

I am. No doubt about it. After October 2008, stocks fell for another four months, piling up 40% of losses before the recently ended bull market began in March 2009.

New market indicators

Since I wrote this post, the DJIA was up over 4% and closed down on the day.
Thank you to theTwitter feed of Jim Bianco for this: Since 1925 (95 yrs!), up more than 4% and closing down on the day has happened only one other time ... Oct 14, 2008 (Tsy Sec Hank Paulson forced the banks to take TARP money). The S&P 500 was up 3.5% at the high and closed down on the day. Since April 1982 (daily H,L,C began) has happened three other times...Oct 3, 08, Oct 14, 08, and Oct 17, 08.
This mkt continues to trade like Oct 08. It was six months and another 25% down before the low.
Bezinga are also playing up the 2008 similarities.

Why is bullish sentiment so wrong?

The negative reports are so wildly negative that the almost defy belief. We are dealing with insane numbers way beyond our traditional frame of reasoning. This is topped only by the insanity of the scale of quantitative easing. Less than a year ago, a small movement in the non-farm payrolls would lead to a 2-3% move in the markets; now we are hitting 700K jobs lost, a truly ugly number and the market rallies hugely. Future economic students will study this to try and understand what was happening.
In the space of weeks the majority of the Western economies have swung to being effectively state-sponsored, centralised economies and no one really knows how to unwind these positions.
It is impossible to reconcile being a bull with a centralised state economy and blue-chip stocks that refuse to pay dividends but the share price remains at the same levels as when they paid a 2% yield.
The UK forecast is for the deepest contraction since 1900. Business surveys have shown activity crashing faster in March than during the financial crisis. The Office for National Statistics has published experimental research on the impact of Covid-19 on the economy.
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With entire swaths of the economy having shut down “traditional forecasting methods become irrelevant”, warned Chiara Zangarelli, economist at investment bank Nomura.

Michelle Girard, economist at NatWest, said that while there was huge uncertainty about the precise magnitude of the contraction in gross domestic product in the second quarter, “there is little doubt that it will be off the scale”
That is not a bullish sentiment. It means markets are acting irrationally since fundamentals are being dismissed as priced-in. In reality; nothing is priced in.

Disclosure

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Spreads

• I am long VIX to 78 (expected by end of Apri but ideally by 24/4)
• I am short India to 7800 (expected by 15/05)
• I am short S&P to 2200 (expected by mid-late of May) and will be to 1810-50
• I am short Dow to 19000 (expected by mid-late May) and will be again to 17000
• I am short FTSE to 5200 and will be again to 4800 (expected by mid-late May)
• No current active hedges / all spreads due to being tax free profits in the UK
• Further spread betting the swings to the upside where I can to scalp

Equities

• I am holding a portfolio of streaming services and gaming companies
• I am holding Microsoft and Disney

Currency

• I own a very small quantity of crypto, primarily XRP

Edit to add: So, your entire thesis is totally destroyed if companies keep paying dividends?

Yes.
In a nutshell.
But something else will be destroyed; the western taxpayer and future growth.
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• If companies are using 0% interest rates to take out loans and then transferring those loans a small 1% of the populace via dividends; that bill will come due to the citizen taxpayer and/or shareholder of the future
• If companies are taking federal or governmental aid to furlough workers but still paying dividends to shareholders? That bill will come due to the citizen taxpayer and effectively is an even more extreme form of socialising market losses; it means that we truly can never have a correction since the top 1% will lose. Not lose the investment itself, which can rebound, but will simply lose the yield on an investment and only for a short period of time. If we have reached a point where that is considered unacceptable then we truly are living in a new socialist, centrally planned world.
• Here is Tesco defending their decision today of £635m in dividends...despite receiving considerable amounts of VAT, Rates and Rental relief from the UK Government (£585m)...they have done an admirable job and are profitable but this market signal and their stated reasons for doing so are alarming.

CEO said 'every pound we receive [in rates relief] will be invested in ensuring Tesco is able to support British shoppers...' That is tax payers paying a subsidy to a free-market company for the ability to shop...and also...
Mr Lewis said that the needs of savers and pension funds also needed to be considered in the debate around dividends. “We’ve thought long and hard about our responsibilities here . . . we are in a strong position to pay out for the benefit of those people

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Edit to add: What about the FED and stimulus

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u/tauriel81 and u/aliveintucson325 and u/100PERCENTYOLO_VEQT
OK - to truly test my own assumptions; here is my argument AGAINST my position.
The Fed have not quite printed money as Reddit loves to meme. They have issued liquidity and central banks worldwide have allowed banks to relax their requirement to hold reserves of cash. That injects money into the business world by allowing lending and borrowing to continue. It also reduces theoretical risk since the models are back within tolerance.
When the time comes they will remove the credits gradually without causing hyperinflation. They do this by paying banks not to lend back into the system by holding a % of their assets at the Federal Reserve. So they pay the banks but the banks keep the deposit at the Fed and don't pass on the liquidity to potential borrowers..gradually and sustainably.
https://www.aier.org/article/powells-new-monetary-regime/
That means the borrower of the future (home purchasers, entreprenuers etc) will have very few credit facilities available so RIP to the long-term economic growth.
We also have unprecedented government support for citizens. The largest social security welfare plan since WW2, especially in Europe.
If you believe that the Western economies can weather this storm using the bridging devices by central banks then it pays to dollar cost average into the market and keep buying the dips as a retail investor.
Lots of buoyant news from European nations and China about the slowing pandemic is overwhelming the negative leading and lagging economic indicators about economic data.
If you believe the economy can return to normal within 36 months, then it pay to be bullish and invest.
If you are day-trading, swing-trading or short-term options trading then the overwhelming market moves are likely to crush people as the system flexes under lots of volatility. You are also likely prioritising the negative news and technical analysis in your filter bubble and de-prioritising the positive news particularly when that news is fiscal or monetary policy since those things are dry, boring and incomprehensible half the time.
So you miss Fed backstops critical bankingi and instead hear UK Prime Minister in intensive care.
If you want to know what is going on...
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• Look at the short term fundamentals
• Zoom out. Re-look.
• Zoom out to an even longer timeline. Re-look.
• Zoom out to an even even longer timeline. Re-look.
• Zoom out to an even even even longer timeline. Re-look.

Decide where you making a prediction. Plan your trade, trade your plan.
How do the FED take money back out of the economy?
They FED purchase the security initially to then sell it back to the asset-holder later. So the balance of credit-deficit merely swaps but by paying a small premium on the excesses that they hold, they can cushion the inflation or deflation of the currency.
So, they effectively give the bank liquidity and then remove that liquidity later by passing the asset back...but also provide a small premium to cushion the blow; 50% of the premium is then held on Federal Reserve books so that the market is not flooded with new money.
The FED previously reduced their balance sheet from $4.4 trillion to $3.7 trillion but it remains to be seen if they can unwind a position of this size.
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TL:DR

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• 2 out of the 4 necessities for exiting a recession are not present
• S&P currently trading at 21X the trailing 10 year average dividend
• In previous recessions a 50% drop in the market was accompanied by a 15% drop in dividends
• Market analysts expecting for a 41% drop in dividends but only trading a 26% drop in the market. At present the S&P dividend per share drop is 41% but the S&P is rallying back to less than 20% drop...whilst dividends are not expected to return to 2019 levels of income for 8-10 years
• In previous recessions the dividend per share drop is much less than the overall index drop
• S&P highly overvalued, completely inverted when compared with dividend expectation and market dividend pricing
• S&P pull back to 1600-1800 over short-medium time frame (1 month-6 months).
• If market history is to be believed then 1400 is not unfeasible based on percentages but you have to be hoping for a total economic destruction for this to happen.; expect a total Governmental response if this happens.
• If S&P continues to rise then it indicates companies are taking on debt or other instruments to pay dividends rather than innovate, upgrade or consolidate their business position which some are (Shell etc).
• Economic data will eventually overpower the stimulus and the Coronavirus is not priced in; hardly anything is priced in and analysts are now saying so publicly.

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I was a kid from divorced parents. Both of my parents got remarried and started over with their new kids.
I was the kid that both of my parents regretted and they both wished, I would just go away. Both of my parents wanted to start a new life and both of my step parents saw me nothing more than trouble.
I wound up staying at my grandmother’s house, who unfortunately passed away my first year of college in 1994.
I was basically alone in life as a freshman at East Stroudsburg University.
My desperation for a sense of acceptance and belonging really did nothing more than push people away from me.
I would drink whatever and smoke whatever as long as people would notice my existence.
I stayed in the freshman dorms. It was close to spring break and the guys in the dorm were planning a trip to Cancun through a travel agency.
The guys in my dorm had a group of 10 people, which they needed to get a discounted group rate to go to Cancun.
Of course nobody would even bother to ask me if I was interested in going.
Then, a week before they were supposed to leave, one of the guy’s couldn’t pay the required deposit.
It was a bit demeaning, but after 20 other guys declined to go, then they asked me. I had enough money from my grandmother’s passing, so I said why not.
We had a Taxi take us to Newark airport and our trip was for three days.
Even though, I was the tag along, I still had a really good time.
The last night we were there I got completely intoxicated to the point where most of the night was a blur.
I do remember that we had to catch the shuttle bus the next morning to the airport, so I made sure the alarm clock was set for 8:00 am. I shared the room with four other guys from my college.
The next morning came and I remembered being alone in the hotel room. I looked at the clock and it said 6:00 o’clock. I thought everyone had returned to the room from the night before.
I was now awake and I wanted to know where the other guys in my room went. I opened my hotel door and I could see a row of housekeeping carts.
I walked towards the other hotel room, where the other five guys were staying and I saw housekeepers had finished cleaning their room.
I think to myself that the guys probably got up early and went to the hotel lobby for the free continental breakfast.
I walk over to the lobby and I realize that it is completely empty of any tourist. I don’t see the nine other guys from my college or any other college kids.
I am now a little bit nervous because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
I go back to my room and realize that my wallet’s missing but my suitcase is still there.
I am now hyperventilating because I’m 18 years old and I have no idea what is going on.
I walk back to the lobby and I talk to the person at the front desk. She informs me that it’s 6:15 pm and everyone has checked out.
Both of my hands grab my hair on top of my head and I am totally shocked. I explain my situation to the woman at the lobby and she basically tells me that without money, I had to leave the property.
I asked her to use their phone and she pointed to the pay phone.
I tried calling first my mother and then my father and neither of them would accept my call. I also never told them that I was going to Mexico, so perhaps they didn’t know it was me calling.
So now I’m pleading with the woman in the lobby to help me. She eventually gets tired of me and gets security to escort me off the property with my bag.
It is now dark out and I’m alone with no money. I was so hung over and overwhelmed that I just fell asleep on the sidewalk in front of the hotel.
The next morning, I just started walking in a direction that I felt was north. I knew it was over a thousand miles to the Texas border and I really had no plan.
So, I walked and walked and walked. I had a water bottle and a bag of chips and no other food. My face and arms are now completely sun burnt.
I feel like a complete outsider. I get occasional looks of mistrust from the local people. I now knew what it was like to be a homeless immigrant. All I need is help and I only know a few words of Spanish.
My watch says 5:00 pm and I hear a large gathering coming from a bar. I get closer and I see that there boxing going on. I see a sign with the words that included $1000 Pesos, which I assume is the prize money for each fight.
I really have no choice, so I eventually get the organizers to understand, that I want to box. It was a small step above bare knuckles, where I was given basically two ace bandages to wrap around my fist.
I first eat the remaining chips I have left and I then wrap my hands up. I didn’t do it right, so I kept on wrapping them until it kind of looked like the other fighters wrapped hands.
I wait on the side of the ring until it’s my turn. I watch in horror as fighter after fighter pummel each other. I have been beaten up before by bullies, but I never have won a fight.
All of these fighters are short and completely ripped and I’m tall and skinny.
My thoughts were to use my reach and not let my opponent get close to me.
Each fight is one five minute round.
I get cued from the announcer that it’s my turn. I hear the word “gringo” and I couldn’t make out anything else. I am trembling in absolute fear. Everyone is yelling and screaming and nobody wants me to win. I see the crowds faces and everyone is grimacing at me.
I hear the sound of the bell and my opponent, who is about my weight but eight inches shorter than me, lunges towards me. I move backwards around the ring and continually throw punches. I don’t know if the punches are hurting him, but I continually land them.
A few times he corners me against the ropes and lands a bunch of punches to my face. My adrenaline is racing that I barely feel the punches. I kept on managing to get myself off the ropes and I kept on punching him as I moved backwards. I don’t know how much time is left but my arms get tired and I can barely keep them up. I also know that if I loose, then I starve to death. I finally hear the bell ring and I try not to show my exhaustion.
The referee consults with the side judges and then he comes to the center of the ring with my opponent. The announcer say a bunch of words that I don’t understand, then he holds my hand up in victory. Everyone in the crowd boos and the announcer gives me an envelope with the money in it.
My jaw starts to feel sore as I open and close my mouth. My arms and legs hurt from fatigue and from being sunburnt.
I fill up my water bottle from a public water fountain. I come up with a plan to drink only water and buy the cheapest food.
I decide to pass out under a tree not far from the bar. The only real motivation I have is revenge on the nine guys that left me to die and stole my money.
I’m so exhausted that I pass out. I wake up and continue to walk. I ditch my suitcase because it’s to cumbersome and heavy. I come across a church and I meet a man. I couldn’t understand a word he said but he gave me a map. I think he realized that I was trying to go to the United States. I now feel better that I have a map and I have some sense of direction.
So, I continue to walk and walk about 30 miles a day, I estimated. I fill my water bottle up at every opportunity. I start traveling at night to avoid the sun.
I am terrified of the darkness most of the time of whatever awaits me as I push forward.
I have now completed a week and estimate that I’ll probably need three more weeks to reach the border.
I’m now approaching the second week and I’m walking at about 3:00 am in the morning and a pick up truck filled with armed men force me in the back of the pickup.
They drive me to a heavily guarded compound.
They force me off the truck and into the middle of a courtyard. I see a man holding back a husky Rottweiler.
A large group of men form a circle around me. The men give money to one guy and I quickly figure out that there betting going on in a dog fight, but it’s not two dogs it’s me vs the dog.
Once the bets are settled then the man releases the dog. The dog looks like it’s possessed. It looks like it wants to eat me. The dog growls at it runs towards me. As the dog lunges at me I instinctively try to grab its neck with both hands and pin it to the ground. I pound the dog unmercifully against the ground until it stops moving.
The men stop yelling and open the door to let me exit the compound. At this point, I feel like a complete animal.
I haven’t showered in almost two weeks and I’m wearing the same clothes as well. I pass through virtual deserts in the middle of the night and I eventually come across small towns.
I hear coyotes and wolves continually throughout the night.
I don’t know if I’m starting to get delirious, but I start to see people walking with me. The only thing is the people are dead. They are dressed in tuxedos from the 1960’s.
I’m not sure if these are the images a person see’s before they die themselves. I can make them out pretty well in the moonlight.
I’ve been petrified the whole walk and seeing these figures kind of adds a new dimension of fear. They kind of walk aimlessly in my same direction. I constantly look over my shoulders and look around me to make sure their not too close.
I lie to myself and think they were sent by my Grandmother. Eventually, I convince myself there fake and they disappear.
The sun starts to come up and I see a sign for Texas and the U.S. border showing 180 miles and I figure, I can do it in six days. I find a shady spot and I pass out. I’ve been coming across avocados sporadically and I eat as much as I could as I’m running out of Pesos.
I have been buying mostly cheapest bread from wherever I can. I feel deficient of every vitamin and mineral.
I am envisioning what horrible things I’ll do to those nine guys who left me to die.
I wake up and force my legs forward. All I need to do is make it to the US border.
I’m on a desolate road and I see two cars coming from behind me. I have a sense that there trouble and I count eight men total in both of the cars.
The two cars drive in circles around me and cause a tornado of dust. They eventually stop their cars and all of the men get out.
Then, they all move towards me and just beat the crap out of me. I crawl up in a fetal position and do my best to protect my head. Eventually they stop and drive off. I am bruised all over my body and i'm certain i broke a couple of ribs.
I can’t really move so I decide to pass out on the side of the road.
I wake up as the sun comes up and I’m greeted by a lifesaver. It is an old beat up bus that asks me if I wanted a ride to the border. I jump at the opportunity, but soon realize that I can barely walk and when I do it’s extremely painful.
I head on the bus and the ride takes about four hours to make it to the border. I felt bad for the people on the bus because I must of stunk so bad.
I fill out the necessary paperwork at the border for someone who has no ID. I’m assisted by a social worker to access money from my bank account.
I get money wired to me from my bank and once I get the money, then I rent a room. I buy a bunch of candy bars and Soda. I buy whatever clothes from the tourist shop and I take an hour long shower. I then pass out for 12 hours.
I then head to the bus stop and I take four different busses to get back to a East Stroudsburg University.
I get to the University and head to my dorm room. I decide to play it off that my father helped me and I’ve been staying at his house all this time. The semester is almost over and I don’t bother with going to class and now I focus on pure revenge towards those nine guys who left me to die.
I’m still in pain and I wait a few days before I plot my revenge.
Eventually, I see each one of the nine guys and they all acted like nothing happened and shrugged it off as oh well you just missed your plane.
What I figured out was those bastards gave my ID to some Mexican kid and he taped himself up with a bunch of narcotics and flew back using my plane ticket. Prior to September 11 nobody really took airport security serious and all you had to do was flash your ID and have a plane ticket.
So, I decided to use the remaining money my Grandmother left me and I rented a house under a fake name. I played it off to the nine guys, that it was my fault for over sleeping in Mexico and that I really just wanted to be friends with them.
I then convinced them to come to this house party I was throwing. I got a bunch of ecstasy and alcohol and I also purchased a bunch of male transvestites. I let the ecstasy and alcohol work it’s magic, then I videotaped all nine of them in sexual acts with the transvestites.
I made over a hundred copies and I sent the copies to their families, to everyone in our dorm, ....
Needless to say they all dropped out from the embarrassment and at least I got a little solace.

That reminds me of a story.
One that can now be told. And action taken.
Now that Esme and I are safely out of the Middle East for good, there is a story from a while back I have been planning to write. It’s going to be scathing, derogatory, call spades ‘fucking shovels’, and name names.
It is about the time I was arrested on bullshit, trumped-up civil charges and thrown into a Muscat Jail until I could come up with 10,000 Omani Rials (US$26,000) to purchase my freedom.
In the 20 or so years my family and I lived and worked in the Sultanate, most were responsible for good memories.
This one event, late in our tenure in Oman, soured it so thoroughly I can recommend Oman to no one wanting to visit the Middle East; much like disrecommending the Middle East for anything travel related. Sure there’s the Little Switzerland in Musandam to the north and the banana groves and frankincense trees in Shalala to the south; but everywhere in Oman you will have to deal with the sad-sacks, flubadubs and third rate hobbyists known as the ROP and the ones pulling their strings, the Diwan of the High Court.
The ROP is shorthand for Royal Omani Police. Or ‘Royal Ostrich Pluckers’ if you’re feeling chipper or the ‘Royally Officious Pricks’ if you’re feeling normal.
They are the most ignorant, ill-informed, indolent group of idiots with which you’ll be forced to tolerate.
Fully composed of Omani locals, it is a ringing testament to the efficacy of the country’s all-encompassing “Omanization” program.
It’s like the flipside of equal employment here in the states.
Here not only do they ‘legally’ discriminate on race, creed, and color; they don’t discriminate on ability.
Because they wouldn’t know the process of law, civil rights, or jurisprudence if it walked up to them, shook their hand, and pissed all over their shoes.
So, before we begin, let me note that this opus will be a wee bit exposition-heavy. I need to set the scene as I realize most of my readers will either think I’m making all this up out of whole cloth or be convinced it’s some sort of Doc Rocknocker potato-juice and citrus inspired fever dream.
I wish.
This is the story as it happened, in all its inglorious bastardry. Some might think its hyperbole, but I assure you, this is how it went down…
When my youngest daughter graduated from the American School in Muscat, Esme and I decided that since things were at a crossroads, both for my career and the oil industry. It was time to take a furlough, travel back to the states and get a little body work done. I was needing a valve job as I had a congenital heart murmur. It hadn’t been a problem until my later 50’s, but was now kicking up and giving me fits.
As in, it leaked. Therefore my heart was working overtime pushing bodily hemorrhagic hydraulic fluid around my not inconsiderable physique. I was down to around 15% efficiency on the outstroke when I was checked into a local teaching hospital located in FIB-land; that benighted state immediately south of Baja Canada.
It was there instead of the fine medical facilities of Baja Canada as Daughter #1 was studying for her DVM at a main FIB-land campus. Besides, I found out that I’d been having several semi-painless heart attacks, or ‘events’, as my cardiologist termed them, and was in no shape to travel.
This was just after flying some 17,500 Km from the Middle East.
Go figure.
I was slated to undergo a double-bypass and valve job, utilizing a bovine valve as I was too large for a typical human cadaver or porcine valve. However I needed 3 months to get back into fine fighting form before I could handle the open-heart surgery.
This was going to be a very long three months, indeed.
Now, exposition time.
In our stay in Muscat for the 18 previous years, we’ve had our identities stolen a total of three times. Someone, as it was discovered, inside Bank Muscat was taking and selling credit card, bank account, and associated financial information. These were being sold to villains, thieves, knee-walking turkeys, and other forms of marchers in the constant parade of human debris globally.
I’d get notifications of plane tickets being charged to my account in Lagos, mattresses and bedding in Mexico City, and meals and groceries in Buenos Aires.
All with the same timestamp.
Either I was the Flash or my credit info had been, if you’ll pardon the pun, swiped again.
I had to show up in Ruwi, the municipal borough south of Muscat. Then go to the Bank Muscat headquarters with my passport and prove that I wasn’t simultaneously in Nigeria, Mexico, and Argentina.
Thereupon, I’d sit with a yellow marker, a straightedge, and a sour countenance.
I was marking those entries that were not legitimate. I used a lot of yellow marker back in those days. It cost the bank hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of Omani Rials in write-downs.
Yet, it happened again about a year later, and again just before we left the Sultanate for our medical sabbatical.
It was this last one that was the catalyst for this entry.
I did the needful, sat with the head of credit fraud, marked out the illegitimate purchases, this time from Lisbon, St. Petersburg, Cape Town, and Bogotá. I produced my passport proving I wasn’t in Portugal, Russia, South Africa and Colombia yesterday; the date of all the false purchases.
True, there were about OR 1,500 in legitimate charges, for which we paid and for which I had receipts.
Well, this is where things went all sideways.
We left the Sultanate and I was getting back in shape for open-heart surgery. Esme and our Daughters were out shopping; but oddly enough they never used the Bank Muscat card as I had closed the account and destroyed the card.
Or so I had thought.
Anyways, ninety days later, my surgery went off without a hitch. I was, in fact, out on the street a scant six days after my new implant; a new hospital record. They also fitted me for a pacemaker and all the associated wiring, as typically people with new valves after some number of years invariably require a ticker-timer.
Science, people. It’s causality and correlation in this case.
So, I have about 50 feet of wire and a case for a pacemaker implanted in my chest. It’s a special case, one that’s intrinsically safe as I mentioned that I work with a lot of high energy Radio Frequency and high energy explosives. Since I don’t have the actual ticker-timer implanted yet, and hopefully never will, they’ve made notes to use a special type of shielded pacemaker unit inside the intrinsically safe case.
It would be, what we in the industry call a ‘bad thing’ to have a pacemaker operating at the same frequency as a remote radio-controlled detonator. They will take steps to ensure that doesn’t happen.
Nice, guys. Thanks.
So, I’m recovering at the hotel when Esme walks in after a lunch and shopping, looking like white death. Her back hurts, like a case of very severe indigestion or esophagitis, but it always responds to my ministrations and Rolfing back rubs.
Rolfing as in massage and not ‘Rolling on the Floor - Laughing’.
Until one fateful Tuesday.
Esme and Daughter #1 come home early as Esme is in obvious distress. Daughter #1 insists we take her to the very same institution from where I just graduated Magna cum laude, new-valve division.
Es demurs, claims it’s ‘just indigestion’, and refuses to go.
She groused all the way there in the backseat of my daughter’s car.
Into the Emergency Room, they get her vitals and the ER doc pulls me aside to tell me my beloved darling wife is currently having a ‘cardiac event’ and needs immediate testing and palliative medication.
“So, Herr Medico”, I say, “I may just be a Rock Doc, but you’re telling me my darling wife is having a heart attack right now?”
“In a word: yes”, he replies.
“Then what the fuck you doing out here? Get in there and fix her immediately!” I shouted.
He shook his head in agreement, called for a ‘crash cart’, and went to work immediately.
In the next eight hours; Esme, my darling wife, experienced at least six more semi-pain-free ‘cardiac events’, and actually ‘coded’ twice during the night.
That’s right. Esme, my darling wife of 39 years, ‘died’ twice during the night while the medical team paused for her test results.
She was scheduled for immediate bypass surgery in the morning. Daughters #1 and #2 were there for literal moral, emotional, and physical support.
Remember, I’m only three weeks clear of open-heart surgery myself; and it’s a good thing my eldest is used to dealing with large animals. She hip-blocked and slammed me into the sideboards when I nearly went unconscious when I heard that Esme had already been wheeled into the surgical theater.
After some O2, I was fine.
Physically.
Mentally and emotionally, I was a fucking train wreck.
Esme ‘coded’ three more times on the surgical table. Each time through, they brought her back with science, pharmaceuticals, and their skills.
Pentothal be praised.
After her surgery, I was taken back to the hotel buoyed by the cardiologist’s note that she was in fine form now after her extensive triple bypass surgery. No more coding, but her blood chemistry was a mess, as well you can expect. They were on it; and the overall prognosis was good to great.
I was greatly relieved. I sauntered back to the hotel, killed a short of Wild Turkey 101 Rye and slept the best I’ve snoozed since this whole tribulation commenced.
I recovered from my double-bypass and valve job in six days. Esme was finally released from the hospital a full twenty-two days since she first had ‘died’. We had some serious downtime coming to convalesce and recover. Our plans for a triumphant recent return to the Sultanate had been scuppered.
So, we lived the life of native FIB-landers for a while.
I created my own consulting business, one I could run from our apartment. I needed both the diversion and income.
Ragin’ Diplodocus Oil and Gas did just fine doing due diligence for small operators in the Illinois Basin. I wrote many, many procedural documents for these small operators to maximize their returns during this latest downturn in oil prices and how to best prepare for when they rise again.
As they always do.
Time wore on. Many trips back to the hospital to visit medicos and have them take blood, gesture hypnotically, and divine our future based on the numbers being returned from the testing facilities.
Things were moving along positively, and we began to think of our previous plans and began to think about heading back to the Middle East to finish up a stellar career. It was a good base to be from.
I received a call from a service company I did an enormous amount of business with when we were there.
They need an Expat Exploration manager.
Was I interested?
Yes, I was.
So a deal was made in Denmark, on that dark and stormy day.
We OK’ed the agreement after a short Scandinavian holiday that was eventually called on count of rain.
We returned to Muscat, in the Sultanate of Oman and spent 2 months in a hotel while we tried to find appropriate digs for us in which to live. Not too far from the mountains, not too close to swarms of people.
We ended up with a gnarly 6 bedroom villa in Bousher Heights near the mountains in southwest Muscat. Had an Omani landlord who was the finest kind. He was the type of laid-back, friendly, gregarious landlord everyone yearns for and rarely finds.
I made the mistake of thinking: “Great googly-moogly. This is certainly working out well.”
Until a month into our sojourn, I went to take out a bit of weekend cash and noted our Bank Dhofar account had been drained.
Emptied.
Cleaned out.
Exhausted of all life support.
Of course, the first thing you do is panic. Then you call the wife.
“Esme? What did you buy now? Our balance at the bank is 0.000!” I asked.
“Nothing.” She said, “Must be a bank error.”
“Great”, I replied, expressed my love for her and announced I’d get to the bottom of this mess.
I tooled over to Bank Dhofar and it took almost an hour to find a person with high enough clearance and adequate English to tell me that yes my account had been siphoned. But he couldn’t tell me by whom or for what.
He did note eventually that it was due to an old warrant against me; created, and passed while Esme and I were in the US recovering from heart surgery.
After a lot of knees-bent-running-about-advancing-behavior, and really bad noise, I discovered that Bank Muscat never cleared my old account as they said they would. They were holding my present bank account hostage until all 55,000 OR (US$156,000.00) was repaid.
They swore out a warrant for my arrest while we were in the US and not physically in Oman.
It was all in Arabic, which I do not read, speak nor give the tiniest shit about. It went through the local Arabic newspapers, again, while Es and I were in the states, and was passed to the local judicial Diwan where it was rubber-stamped as valid.
Now, since it was rubber-stamped as valid by the local Diwan; that meant I had no recourse. No filing for appeal. No rights, as I was just an Expat. And no recourse other than to pay the money. I instantly contacted the US Embassy, and they proved to be, as usual, totally buttfuckingly useless.
I had a bench warrant issued for my immediate arrest and they attached my salary, 100% of it, until I had paid back Bank Muscat what they claimed I owed. No matter how trumped-up, fallacious, and ridiculous the whole scenario was.
So, I immediately opened a new account at a different bank and had my paycheck shipped there monthly. The instant it hit the new bank, I ran to an ATM and drained the account before these bastards could glom onto it.
I also contacted Bank Muscat to go over this now 4-year old banking bullshit and have them provide evidence that I swindled them rather than the other way around.
We met with Bank Muscat meatheaded banking minions several times, and appeared to be making some very slow headway. I provided vouchers, check stubs, electronic receipts, and other forms of evidence that I had paid off my account. We closed the account before we left for the US and our tune-ups. I even provided pictorial evidence that I had sat with the VP of services from Bank Muscat highlighting fraudulent charges.
“Smile, Dickweed.”
It was proceeding, albeit very slowly. They had to find these records of ancient history.
Then they had to go with their ‘forensic bankers’, and since it was the Middle East, it went very slowly because of Ramadan, Eid, and all that related Islamic religious bullshittery.
Weeks dragged into months. I hit our new bank every month the minute my phone doinked that a deposit had been made of my salary. The powers that be were still keeping tabs on my old, now inactive, Bank Dhofar account and never twigged to the fact that I had a new account with a new and different bank.
They’re kind of stupid that way.
Then, one bright Monday night, out of the blue, I receive a phone call.
“Dr. Rocknocker?” the person on the other end of the phone asked.
“Yes?” I replied.
“This is Sgt. Total al-Fuckhead from the ROP. We need for you to drive to the ROP police station in Khuwair immediately. There are a few things that need explaining.”
This had all the earmarks of a set-up. A well-known scam in this part of the world where the local scum and villainy would call claiming to be police and when you arrive, they’d club and rob you blind.
“So sorry, Sgt. Al-Fuckhead”, I replied, “But I don’t know where the Khuwair ROP station is. We’re new here.”
They lie.
I lie.
“OK, then”, he agrees, “Meet us at the Starbucks coffee outlet on the Beach road.”
“So sorry, Sgt. Al-Fuckhead”, I replied, “But my wife has the car and is at a teacher’s meeting. We can’t get a cab out here because we’re too far off the grid.”
“Right”, he replies, “We’ll send a car to your location then.”
After 6 hours, and midnight, I retired wondering what the fuck to expect the next day at work, since no one from the ROP managed to arrive at our villa that evening.
Toddling into work the next day it was business as usual. Since I began my day at 0500 so I could personally talk with clients. Since the rest of the benighted Arab world doesn’t begin to ‘work’ until near 1000 hours, I had several hours of uninterrupted productivity.
Until 1030; when minions of the ROP ‘Special Services’ showed up demanding my extradition.
There were two fatback grossero muppets in faded, stained dishdashas and a couple of plain clothes types demanding to know where I was. Plus ‘just who I thought I was to avoid ‘facing my charges’’.
Having enough of this crap, I walked out of my office and announced, in a loud, steady voice, that: “It was I. Dr. Rocknocker, The Motherfucking Pro from Dover” and if they had some sort of beef, they could damn well take it up with me and quit trying to browbeat the poor, terrified receptionist.
“You will come with us, immediately”, one of the grosseros demanded.
“No, I don’t think so”, I replied, “Until you explain what’s all this then and I have time to call my embassy to inform them of Omani persecution of American Nationals who are legally working in this ignorant fucking country.”
Evidently, most people they deal with are so cowed by this announcement that the ROP is here to take them away, they fold like a soggy house of cards.
In the sand.
During high tide.
I’m not “most people”. I’m a goddamned overqualified ugly American and I know my rights.
I call the American Embassy and inform them that I’m being taken, quite against my will and on deceptive and bogus charges to Khuwair Police Station for “questioning”. I demand to meet a member of the US Embassy there, as is part of my rights, before I acquiesce and make these assholes drag me physically off to the borstal.
This gave the local federales pause. They’ve never dealt before with such a recalcitrant, intractable, large, annoyed, and legally knowledgeable person before.
But, since they came all the way down here and wouldn’t leave without either a prince’s ransom or my hide, I decided I needed a day off and said that I’d get my hat and we’d be off.
It was all laughs and chuckles on the 20 minute ride to the hoosegow/police station.
“Oh, we just need to clear up a few details. We’ll have you back to work in time for lunch”, one of the ROP’s finest lied.
Yeah. Right. Pull the other one…
But first, we’ll need your passport, residence card, Omani ID and other forms of personal identification.
“Oh, bother”, I replied, “Seems I left my passport, ID and Residence card home. What a shame.”
They didn’t ask for my GSM though.
I saw this one coming a mile away. Stripped of all identification, you’re so much easier to lose in the infernal internal machinations of the local constabulary. One has been known to be ‘lost’ this way for weeks.
“Oh”, was the dejected response.
So, we arrive at the police station/jail and I was told to warm a seat out in the waiting area.
It was 135⁰ F, no air conditioning, no water, no coffee, no fan, nothing.
Just a bare bench and a likewise seated group of mother-killers and father-rapers waiting on the Group W bench for their chance to decry their innocence to ignorant, indolent and deaf ROP ears.
I was dressed in business casual: long chinos, 16 EEE Cat work boots (non-steel toe), Polo shirt and invariable Black Stetson.
After a half hour of this, I wasn’t just hot, I was approaching meltdown; both physically and mentally.
Besides, the others on the Group W bench probably hadn’t had their annual baths yet this year.
I get up and pound on the door.
No answer.
I pound harder, wearing my usual black leather gloves which semi-disguises my work-related physical deformity.
A small peek-a-boo window opens and some braindead functionary asks in Arabic “What?”
“Get us some water, cold water in here if you don’t want to explain some heat prostration deaths. And find a fucking fan, it’s blistering in here.” I growl.
“ماذا؟ [madha?] [What?] was the reply.
"رئيسك. الآن!" ["ryiysik alana!"] or “Your boss. NOW!” was my reply.
OK, yes. I do know a little Arabic.
He saw I was sweating profusely and damned intercoursingly angry.
He fetched the Sergeant.
“You. Doofuck. English?” I enquired.
“Yes.” Was his reply.
“I’ll bet”, I mused as he totally missed my little radioactive-tracer-in-the-conversation pejorative.
Continuing.
“OK. Water, bathroom facilities, and a fan or air conditioning for me and my new noisome acquaintances. We don’t want an unfortunate International Incident here now, do we?” I demanded.
“You the American?” he asks.
“Not sure if I’m “The American”, but I am “An American”. The one who’s getting more and more pissed off the longer this charade continues.” I reply.
“Give me your wrists.” He demands.
“Kind of difficult. I’m using them at present and they’re still attached.” I replied.
He produced a zip tie and I get the general idea.
“Arms behind your back.” He commands.
“OK, Doofuck. By your command.”
I comply, and my wrists are now some 15 or 16 inches apart to the rear.
“Sorry, mate. Too much time at the gym. I can’t get them any closer. Considerable pectorali and deltoidae, don’t you know.”
For those late or new to the show, I’m a rather large specimen of the Genus Homo (Hush, you.).
As well as ethanol-fueled, but that’s for a later time.
Seriously, I couldn’t get my wrists much closer without serious effort, inconvenience, or come-along.
“Out front.” He commands as he zip ties my wrists together.
He orders me out the door. I’m to go to the Captain’s office and wait there. The rest of the guys on the Group W bench could all go hang evidently.
By the time we arrived at the empty Captain’s office, I was told to sit here and not move.
“OK”, I replied, “You want thes back then?” as I hand him the easily escapable Zip ties.
He was confounded.
It’s so laughably easy to get out of Zip-tie cuffs, it’s not even worth a google search. He harrumphs, and slaps me in irons: his personal pair of sturdy steel, US-made handcuffs.
“There. Now, sit. I will bring water”, he says brusquely as he exits the room with a slam of the door.
“Oot. Greet.” I reply in fluent gibberish.
Normally, it’s not too easy to get out of steel handcuffs. But when you’re bereft three fingers on your left hand, its child’s play to slip that one off, ratchet it forward and use the exposed tang to pry open the one on your right wrist.
The Sergeant reappears with some tepid water. I thank him and hand him his handcuffs back.
“How?” he gasps.
To be continued…

There are a lot of awesome referral opportunities out there, these are my personal favorites! All these offers (besides Gemini) are US only.

Banks

• SoFi Money: $50 for depositing $500 from any source.
  • https://www.sofi.com/invite/money?gcp=e65d8ea1-fd35-40bc-b801-547c3fc6e749
• Chime: $50 for $200 direct deposit (can easily get around direct deposit requirement, please see details below).
  • https://chime.com/milazadrozny
• Wings Financial Credit Union: $50 for opening a checking account, setting up eDocuments, and doing 5 debit card transactions of $5 or more (anything counts, including Amazon GC reloads), OR a direct deposit of $300+ in 60 days. No fees, can withdraw and close account any time.
  • https://www.referlive.com/wingsfinancial/newcustform/109cb9ea5300f9a4bb2a6884eac831077a4/4/11101268SY4BYUZ
• Aspiration: $50 for spending $250 with their debit card within 3 months, and extra $100 for $1000 spend in 3 months.
  • https://my.aspiration.com/app/token/referral/232Y47KAE4OG8Y8W/
• Stash: $20 for $5 deposit from any source.
  • https://get.stashinvest.com/amadeowpr10
• SkyOne: $25 for opening an account and keeping the account open for 30 days. (additional steps required, please see below details).
  • https://refer.skyone.org/amadeoruiu3
• Premier Members Credit Union: $50 for opening a money market account and making a $5 deposit + $5 donation.
  • https://www.pmcu.org/referred-by-a-friend/VFVJEVQQQ/
• Oxygen: $25 for opening an account, depositing $200, and doing 5 debit card transactions within 60 days (can just buy 5 $1 Amazon GC's reloads, they don't care what the purchase is). PM me for a link.

Stocks

• Webull: 1 free stock (worth $8-$ 1600) for opening an account and making a $100 deposit.
  • https://act.webull.com/kol-us/share.html?hl=en&inviteCode=PUnH4ruayL3j
• Public: 1 free stock worth up to $50 just for opening an account, no deposit required.
  • Open this link from your phone: http://share.public.com/rayruiu
• FirstTrade: 1 free stock worth $3 - $200 (I got Microsoft!) simply for opening an account. No deposit required.
  • https://share.firstrade.com/MilaAQOK
• Dough: 1 free stock worth $2 - $200 simply for opening an account. No deposit required ($25 deposit required before first withdrawal, but you can then withdraw that too).
  • https://dough.com/referrals?referral=XPSSX6DFNF&referredby=Mila
• TradeUP: 1 free stock worth $2.50-250 just for opening an account, and an optional second stock worth $8-$1000 for making a $100 deposit from any source.
  • https://tradeup.marsco.com/activity/market/us-open-price/#/share?invite=6NDX1U
• Robinhood: 1 free stock worth $2.50- $200 for opening an account. No deposit required.
  • https://invite.robinhood.com/amadeor3/
• Acorns: $5 for $5 deposit from any source (additional steps required, please see below details).
  • https://www.acorns.com/invite/TLBCPD/
• Moomoo: 1 free stock worth $10-$1000 for making a $500 deposit.
  • https://j.moomoo.com/000LR3
• M1 Finance: $20 for opening a brokerage account and making a $100 deposit.
  • https://m1.finance/J6aLCt6SRGdW
• Round: $20 for opening a brokerage account and making a $500 deposit. Alternatively, you can make $100 for doing a $10,000 deposit (iOS only)
  • https://app.investround.com/inviteCode/amadeo-r360s0
• SoFi Invest: $50 for $1000 deposit from any source, and $25 worth of bitcoin for buying $10 worth of bitcoin on SoFi Crypto.
  • https://www.sofi.com/share/invest/2498539
• E*Trade: $25 for $5000 deposit from any source (additional bonuses available for larger deposits)
  • https://refer.etrade.net/amadeoruiu3
• Personal Capital: $20 for opening a new account and linking a qualified investment account (e.g. taxable brokerage, 401k, IRA, 529, etc) worth at least $1000. No deposit required!
  • https://share.personalcapital.com/x/oGFEyl

Cryptocurrency

• Voyager: Free $25 worth of Bitcoin for trading $100 on the app. Use referral code "AMA60T” in the “Reward Code” field when you create your Voyager account". Open these link from mobile:
  • IOS: https://apps.apple.com/us/app/voyager-buy-bitcoin-crypto/id1396178579
  • Android: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.investvoyager
• Celsius: Free $40 for depositing $200 worth of cryptocurrency.
  • https://celsiusnetwork.app.link/101697ce8c
• Crypto.com: Free $50 for "staking" (buying and holding) 1000 CRO (approximately $170) for 6 months. (enter referral code 66v69rwt76 if not pre-filled)
  • https://platinum.crypto.com/66v69rwt76
• Gemini: Free $10 worth of Bitcoin for trading $100.
  • Account Signup: https://gemini.com/share/rllzke26
• Constant: Free $10 for opening an account, verifying your identity, and depositing $10.
  • https://www.myconstant.com?r=annoyedproduct
• Coinbase: Free $10 worth of Bitcoin for trading $100. They will also give you $12 of the "Orchid" cryptocurrency (which can be re-sold for cash) if you watch 3 1-2 minute videos and answer 3 easy questions about that cryptocurrency. (might get waitlisted, I had to wait a month before getting off it)
  • Coinbase: https://www.coinbase.com/join/ruiu_8
  • Orchid: https://coinbase.com/earn/oxt/invite/t0wvs4k2

Credit Cards

• Chase Freedom: Free $200 for signing up for a Chase Freedom Unlimited credit card and spending $500 within 3 months.
  • https://www.referyourchasecard.com/2f/ONLMEFPEFJ
• Discover IT: Free $50 for signing up for a Discover IT credit card and making ANY purchase within 3 months (even $1).
  • https://refer.discover.com/s/hhti4m

Other

• Root: Free $25 for downloading the app, and allowing it to track your driving for 3-4 weeks. (Need to keep your phone on while driving so it can give you a quote. You can simply reject the offer and take the $25 bonus anyway).
  • https://rootbonus.com/AmadeoRuiu
• SoFi Loans: Free $300 for refinancing a student loan or taking a personal loan.
  • www.sofi.com/share/2498539?src=copy
• HealthyWage: Weight-loss betting site that lets you bet on how much weight you think you can lose! They add an extra $40 to your potential winnings if you sign up using a referral link.
  • https://hwage.co/2199234/

--Details on each offer below--

Banks-

SoFi Money

SoFi is a bank/app that give out $50 for anyone who signs up for a SoFi Money (bank) account using a referral code and deposits $500 from any source. So all you have to do is open an account with a referral link, deposit $500, and then instantly collect the bonus and then take it all back.
And you can close the account at any time with no fees or consequences-
referral link- https://www.sofi.com/invite/money?gcp=e65d8ea1-fd35-40bc-b801-547c3fc6e749

Chime

Chime is a bank/app which pays you a $50 bonus for opening an account via a referral code making a $200 direct deposit. There are no catches, and you can close the account at any time fee free as soon as you register their debit card (gotta wait a few days to get it in the mail).
A "direct deposit" technically means that they want you to deposit the money right from payroll, Social Security, or other direct payment, but you can actually meet this requirement simply by transferring in $200 from virtually any source including bank accounts, cashapp, etc.
referral link- https://chime.com/milazadrozny

Wings

Wings Financial Credit Union is a bank offering $50 for opening a checking account, setting up eDocuments, and either doing 5 debit card transactions of $5 or more (anything counts, including Amazon GC reloads), OR a direct deposit of $300+ in 60 days.
No fees, can withdraw and close account any time.
referral link-https://www.wingsfinancial/newcustform/109cb9ea

Aspiration

Aspiration is an online bank which is offering a free $50 bonus for simply opening an account via a referral link and spending $250, and an extra $100 for $1000 spend in 3 months.
So all you have to do is open a “Spend & Save” account using a referral link, spend $250/1000 using their debit card within 3 months, and then you will get $50/150 posted to your account! There are no fees to worry about! You can close the account fee free whenever you want!
referral link- https://my.aspiration.com/app/token/referral/232Y47KAE4OG8Y8W/

Stash

Stash is a finance app that gives out $20 for anyone who signs up for the Stash (bank) or Stash Invest account via my referral link and deposits at least $5 from any source (payroll, another bank account, PayPal, etc.) So all you have to do is open an account with a referral link, deposit $5, and then the bonus will post to your account!
The app will ask you to open a paid account, but you can simply open a "beginner" account for $1 a month, and then close your account after 1 month after you get your $20 bonus.
referral link- https://get.stashinvest.com/amadeowpr10

SkyOne

SkyOne is a credit union which will pay you a $25 bonus for opening a checking account with a referral link, making a $5 opening deposit, and keeping your account open for at least 30 days.
This credit union services the SoCal area, but anyone nationwide can sign up if you follow the steps detailed below. People are normally required to make a donation to a local charity to qualify for a local credit union bank account when they don't live in the area, but SkyOne will actually pay for a donation to the "Surfrider Foundation" themselves because they want everyone on the US to be eligible! In other words, you don't have to spend a dime! Simply click ("None of the above? We've got you! SkyOne will make a one-time donation to one of the following non-profits") on the eligibility page when signing up.
https://refer.skyone.org/amadeoruiu3

Premier Members Credit Union

Premier Members Credit Union is a credit union which will pay you a $50 bonus for opening a money market account with a referral link, and making a $5 opening deposit. They will also require you to open a savings account alongside the money market account, which also requires a $5 opening deposit.
They are located in Boulder Colorado, but will allow anyone to create an account with them as long as you make a $5 donation to one of their local charities (they walk you through it during account signup). That's a total profit of $45!
And you can close the account at any time, fee free!
referral link (please remember to use my referral code during the account setup too)- https://www.pmcu.org/referred-by-a-friend/VFVJEVQQQ/

Oxygen

Oxygen is a mobile banking app that will pay you $25 for opening an account, depositing $200, and doing 5 debit card transaction within 60 days (You can just buy 5 $1 Amazon GC's reloads, they don't care what the purchase is. Lots of different ways to easily getr this). PM me for a link.

Stocks-

Webull

Webull is a commission free stock trading platform/app which is giving out a free stock (worth $8-$1600) for opening an account via a referral link and making a $100 deposit.
Webull is available on iOS and Android, or you can use their website.
referral link- https://act.webull.com/kol-us/share.html?hl=en&inviteCode=PUnH4ruayL3j

Public

Public is another commission free stock trading app which gives you a free stock (valued up to $50) when you create an account via a referral link. No initial deposit is required.
Available on iOS or Android only.
referral link- http://share.public.com/rayruiu

FirstTrade

FirstTrade is a commission-free stock trading app which gives you a free stock (valued up to $200) when you open an account via a referral link. No initial deposit is required.
Available on iOS or Android only.
referral link- https://share.firstrade.com/MilaAQOK

Dough

Dough is a commission free stock trading app which gives you a free stock (valued $2- $200) when you open an account via a referral link. No initial deposit is required, though you need to deposit $25 in order to make your first withdrawal (you can also withdraw your initial $25 too).
Available for iOS or Android only.
referral link- https://dough.com/referrals?referral=XPSSX6DFNF&referredby=Mila

TradeUp

TradeUP is a commission free stock trading app which gives you a free stock (valued $2.50-250) for opening an account via a referral link. No deposit required.
Additionally, they will give you a second stock (valued $8-$1000) for making a $100 deposit.
Available for iOS or Android only.
referral link- https://tradeup.marsco.com/activity/market/us-open-price/#/share?invite=6NDX1U

Robinhood

Robinhood is a stock trading platform/app which gives you a free stock (valued $2.50 - $200) when you open an account via a referral link. No initial deposit is required.
Available on iOS and Android, or you can use their website.
referral link- https://invite.robinhood.com/amadeor3/

Acorns

Acorns is an online investing app (iOS or Android) which is offering a free $5 bonus for simply opening an account via a referral link, depositing $5, and keeping the money in the account until the 15th of the following month. You can then withdraw the money and close the account, fee free!
If you keep the account longer, they may charge you a $3 fee, so be sure to close it after the 15th on the following month from when you signed up.
Acorns is available on iOS and Android, or you can use their website.
referral link- https://www.acorns.com/invite/TLBCPD/

Moomoo

Moomoo is a commission free stock trading app which gives you a free stock (valued $10-$1000) for opening an account via a referral link and making a $500 deposit.
Moomoo is available on iOS or Android only.
referral link- https://j.moomoo.com/000LR3

M1 Finance

M1 Finance is an investing account, like Robinhood or Webull. If you open an account using a referral link, deposit $100 to a brokerage account, and keep that initial deposit in your account for 30 days, you will get a free $20 bonus that posts within 14 days.
M1 Finance is available on iOS or Android only.
referral link- https://m1.finance/J6aLCt6SRGdW

Round

Round is an online auto-investing app (iOS only) which is offering a free $20 bonus for simply opening an account via a referral link and depositing $500. Alternatively, you can get $100 if you deposit $10,000.
Round is available on iOS only.
referral link- https://app.investround.com/inviteCode/amadeo-r360s0

SoFi Invest

SoFi gives $50 for anyone who signs up for a SoFi Invest account via a referral link and deposits $1000. This offer stacks with the SoFi Money $25 offer (see details above), so you can do both!
Plus, you can get another $25 cash bonus when you buy $10 or more of crypto like Bitcoin, Litecoin or Ethereum. That's a total of $75 cash bonuses with SoFi Invest!
referral link- https://www.sofi.com/share/invest/2498539

E*Trade

E*Trade is one of the biggest stock trading platforms out there, and they are offering new users a cash bonus for opening an account using a referral code and depositing funds. Your cash bonus varies based on how much you deposit-

Reward	Deposit Amount
$25	$5,000–$9,999
$50	$10,000-$24,999
$200	$25,000–$99,999
$300	$100,000–$249,999
$600	$250,000–$499,999
$1,200	$500,000–$999,999
$2,500	$1,000,000+

referral link- https://refer.etrade.net/amadeoruiu3

Personal Capital

Personal Capital is a finance tracking website similar to Mint but tailored for investment accounts. If you open an account and link a qualified investment account for tracking (e.g. taxable brokerage, 401k, IRA, 529, etc) with more than $1000 in it, they will give you a free $20 amazon gift card within a couple weeks.
Accounts that do not qualify as valid investment accounts include bank, credit or debit card, Paypal, Stash, Acorns, Kapitall, Groundfloor, WageWorks HSA, Coinbase, digital currency exchanges, and manual investment accounts. Robinhood works!
Referral link- https://share.personalcapital.com/x/oGFEyl

Cryptocurrency-

Voyager

Voyager is a crypocurrency trading app (iOS/Android only) which will pay you $25 in free bitcoin for trading $100 on the app! Make sure to use the referral code "AMA60T" in the “Reward Code” field when you create your account. The bonus posts within a couple of days, from my experience.
Referral link-
iOS- https://apps.apple.com/us/app/voyager-buy-bitcoin-crypto/id1396178579
Android- https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.investvoyager

Constant

Constant is a cryptocurrency P2P investing platform which will give you $10 for signing up using a referral link, verifying your ID (pass KYC), and depositing $10.
So all you have to do is open an account using a referral link, verify your ID, deposit $10 via any means, and then you will get a $10 bonus that posts instantly and you can withdraw to your bank immediately. No deposit required.
https://www.myconstant.com?r=annoyedproduct

Celsius

Celsius is a cryptocurrency investing platform which will give you $40 for signing up using a referral code and depositing $200 worth of cryptocurrency. To get the full $40, enter the code "SUMMER" before making your first deposit. You must keep your deposit in the app for 30 days to get the full $40 bonus. You get $20 for the normal referral program and the additional $20 for entering the "SUMMER" code.
You can then withdraw the full $240 and close your account fee free.

• https://celsiusnetwork.app.link/101697ce8c

Crypto.com

Crypto.com is a cryptocurrency investing platform which will give you $50 for signing up using a referral link, and "staking (aka, buying and holding) 1000 CRO (their special cryptocurrency, worth approximately $170) for 6 months. You need to apply for their "Ruby Steel" debit card when applying, its a 0 risk debit card, no credit impact, no fees. Combo's well with the Celsius promo if you need a platform to send cryptocurrency from, and you can send the $50 bonus crypto to celsius instantly.

• (enter referral code 66v69rwt76 if not pre-filled)
  • https://platinum.crypto.com/66v69rwt76

Gemini

Gemini is a cryptocurrency trading app/websitewhich will give you $10 worth of bitcoin for signing up using a referral link and buying/selling $100 worth of cryptocurrency.
Unlike the other offers listed here, this one can be used anywhere in the US (except NY), as well as Puerto Rico, Australia, Canada, Hong Kong, Singapore, South Korea, and the United Kingdom. This bonus posts VERY quickly, within a day or two.
https://gemini.com/share/rllzke26

Coinbase

Coinbase is a cryptocurrency trading platform which will pay you $10 in free bitcoin for trading $100 on the platform!
I would be grateful if you used my referral link- https://www.coinbase.com/join/ruiu_8
They will also give you $12 worth of the "Orchid" cryptocurrency (which can be immediately re-sold for cash) if you watch 3 short videos and answer 3 easy questions.
https://coinbase.com/earn/oxt/invite/t0wvs4k2

Credit Cards-

Chase Freedom

Chase will pay you $200 for signing up for a Chase Freedom Unlimited credit card with a referral link and spending $500 it within the first 3 months. This is one of the best credit card bonuses in the industry!
All you have to do is sign up for a Chase Freedom Unlimited credit card using my referral link, spend $500 within the first 3 months, and then get your $200! You can cancel the card at any time with no fees or penalties.
https://www.referyourchasecard.com/18/ONLMEFPEFJ

Discover IT

Discover will pay you $50 for signing up for a Discover IT credit card with a referral link and making ANY purchase using it within the first 3 months. This is one of the easiest credit card bonuses in the industry!
All you have to do is sign up for a Discover IT credit card using my referral link, make ANY purchase using it within the first 3 months, and then get your $50! You can cancel the card at any time fee free.
https://refer.discover.com/s/hhti4m

Other-

Root

Root is an auto insurance app(iOS/Android) that will pay you $25 to download their app, let it track your driving for 3-4 weeks, and then offer you an auto insurance policy based on your driving data. You can easily ignore their policy offer, take the bonus, and walk away with the $25 bonus which then then go to your PayPal account, sent as a check, etc.
https://rootbonus.com/AmadeoRuiu

SoFi Loans

SoFi loans is offering a $300 bonus for people who opens a new personal loan or refinance an existing student loan.
You should research the pros and cons of student loan refinancing before you consider this option, You can lower your interest rate, but lose some benefits from the federal government. Whether this is worth it to you will depend on individual circumstances.
There's also the option of taking out a SoFi loan.
www.sofi.com/share/2498539?src=copy

HealthyWage

HealthyWage is an interesting website...got a few extra pounds from the quarantine you're trying to burn off? I personally want to lose 30 pounds, but needed a little extra motivation. Well, nothing motivates quite like money!
The way this website works is, you essentially place a "bet" (at least $100) that you can lose at least a certain amount of weight (at least 10% of your total body weight) within a given time frame (at least 6 months), and if you are successful, you will get rewarded with your initial investment + a bonus (they offered me around a 10% bonus). You can pay out the whole bet at once, or split over the time frame of the bet.
If you're wondering how they stay afloat, this company finances itself via the folks who failed to meet the terms of their own bet. You have to record yourself stepping on the scale via their highly-rated app (iOS/Android), so no cheating.
For folks like me who have strong will power but just need extra motivation, I highly recommend this site! I made a...questionably large bet personally ($3000 if I can't lose my extra pounds), but talk about a powerful motivator...
If you use my referral link to sign up and place your bet, you will get an extra $40 added to your bonus for winning your bet!
https://hwage.co/2199234/